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Fic: A Chapter Can Be a Book [2/6]
Rating: All Ages
Characters: Ten/Rose, Reinette, Jack, Donna, Wilf, Jackie
Summary: It's 'The Decoy Bride' with Doctor Who characters. The Doctor is meant to be marrying Reinette, but in order to confuse the press, they use a decoy. Things don't go according to plan...
A/N: First things first, huge thanks to
kahki for the title.Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 5 |
Rose, hood down so she could enjoy the sun, walked down the road with the Doctor, or Theo as she called him, when the Doctor said, “You haven’t read it. No one’s read it. Not all the way through.”
“That’s the only book ever written about Hegg. Everyone on the island who can read has read it. The Hegg book club gave it four out of ten,” said Rose.
“Four out of ten?” he asked. The Doctor was the first to admit it wasn’t exactly brilliant, but four?
Rose smiled and said, “They thought it picked up around page 600.”
The Doctor, ambiguous feelings aside, felt the need to defend his work and said, “Well, I think the architecture of the book was probably quite deliberate. Wow, the Hegg book club are a tough crowd.”
“Oh, and the love story, I didn’t buy that at all. It was just, soulless,” continued Rose, though she did sort of think that maybe she wasn’t the one to talk about love.
“Soulless?” he questioned.
“Maybe his second book will be better,” Rose suggested. “Is it out yet?”
The Doctor shook his head. “Not yet.”
Not holding back her feelings on the matter, Rose said, “God, it’s been years. Either he’s very, very blocked or it’s even longer than that one. Can you imagine?” Raising her hands as if to take the book, Rose joked, “Do you want me to carry it for a while?”
___________________________________________________________
Back at Jackie’s B and B the Master, dressed as a monk, knocked on the door.
Before he could say anything Jackie said, “Oh no, no, no. There’s no monastery here. No monks. No miracles.”
“That’s okay,” he said.
“And no free accommodation! I might believe in God, but I might not,” she replied, “so no discount.”
The Master pulled some cash out and said, “No problem. I will pay up front and in full.”
Jackie smiled; that made him more than welcome so she invited him inside.
___________________________________________________________
“To be fair,” Rose said, “he had to make it up. You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet. One of about five pages…”
“Okay, I know where I am now,” said the Doctor, cutting her off. He was sure she was quite a nice young woman, but even he couldn’t take that much criticism in one day.
Rose smiled a little as she worked up the courage to ask, “Look, you’re here to work, obviously. But if you ever fancy a coffee, I live at the B and B just down there. With my mother,” she wondered why she added that, “Just, you’ll find me around, most of the time. And I’m a whole lot hotter than I look.”
The Doctor was a little, okay, more than a little confused by that whole ramble, but was feeling a little nervous as he replied, “We’ve got so much… marketing to do.”
“Okay. This wasn’t a... I wasn’t. I don’t, anymore. I’ve gone vegan anyway. Sorry. Bye!” Rose managed to get out. Before she saluted, saluted? As she hurried off, embarrassed, she wondered about herself some days.
The Doctor honestly wasn’t sure what to think. She seemed nice enough, but more than a little odd. He watched her for a brief moment before turning and walking off himself.
___________________________________________________________
“Room three,” Jackie said as she gave the Master the key to his room in the B and B.
As he took the key he offered, “Blessings.”
The Master noted Jackie eyeing his bag of camera equipment and thinking of an excuse on the spot he said, “It’s a hobby. I hope to capture one of your very rare birds on film.”
Reinette counted as a rare bird, he thought, even if she didn’t belong on some small island out in the middle of nowhere.
“We don’t have any rare birds” Jackie said dubiously. “We have hedgehogs.”
“Yeah, well, I am here now,” the Master said, sounding resigned.
Before Jackie could say anything, Rose walked back in, already beginning to tell Jackie what had happened. “I have just made the most unbelievable git of myself.”
Jackie, knowing her daughter wouldn’t want everyone to know, interrupted, “We have a guest.”
Rose sighed. It was going to be one of those days.
___________________________________________________________
A short time later Rose was in the kitchen, helping her mother wash the dishes when Jackie said, “I don’t trust this monk.”
“People say they monk-ey around,” replied Rose, struggling to keep a straight face. She thought it was funny anyway.
Jackie didn’t look very amused and ignored it as she continued, “I think he’s a journalist.”
“Why?” Rose asked, looking curious. But when Jackie didn’t respond, she continued, “Are you taking your pills properly?”
___________________________________________________________
As much as the Doctor didn’t want to admit it, Rose had been right. He had been sitting in front of this typewriter since he’d returned from his walk and had written one sentence, which ended in the main character adjusting his testicular implant.
He didn’t know why but the Doctor was indeed very, very blocked.
___________________________________________________________
In the B and B, on another part of the island, Rose was inspired. She’d been writing since she’d finished helping her mum clean up. The day might have contained some moments of complete embarrassment, ‘whole lot hotter than I look’ being a glaring example, but the words were flowing.
Rose had just finished the first official guide book to the Isle of Hegg.
___________________________________________________________
Lying face down in sheets of paper on his bed, the Doctor had given up writing for the night when he was disturbed from his misery by a knock at his door. He opened it to find no one there, but a trail of rose petals up the nearby stairs. He arrived at the top to enter the Hall, lit by candles with Reinette standing in the middle of the room in a simple long dress.
“Are you sure it’s so terribly unlucky to make love the night before the wedding?” the Doctor asked, hopeful.
Reinette was amused, her fiancé was charming when he wanted to be, and said, “I hate it when you beg to make love.”
“You are staggeringly beautiful,” he replied as he walked up to her.
The moment the Doctor reached Reinette, he captured her lips in a kiss, which she returned passionately for a moment before she broke away. His nerves about the wedding aside, they’d always had chemistry, even if he rarely understood what Reinette saw in him.
Breaking the kiss, Reinette, in a voice she’d long used to recite Shakespeare, said, “Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave, with caverns of longingness.”
The Doctor raised his eyebrow and missed the loving look she was giving him. He was rather distracted by the rather disturbing words and said, “Oh, er, did I write that? Longingness, that’s not even a word.”
Reinette, disappointed with his response, sadly replied, “No, that was just me saying what I was thinking.”
“Oh! Right, sorry,” the Doctor said into a now awkward silence. Not his best move. Taking a breath and hoping to gloss over his serious foot-in-mouth problem, he said, “Finally got dark then.”
___________________________________________________________
The next morning was the day of the wedding. The Master made his way downstairs and left the B and B with Jackie watching. As she saw him leave all she could think was ‘he’s no monk’. Actually, she was convinced he was a journalist. Given her suspicions about the appearance of Jack Harkness on Hegg, she decided to make the most of the opportunity she’d been presented with and picked up the phone to contact the press. There was money to be had in a story like this.
With this kind of money, Jackie figured, she’d be able to get off Hegg before she died.
___________________________________________________________
“Visualise your cellulite melting!” Reinette yelled over her shoulder to Donna. Her wedding might be today, but she always ran in the morning. That wasn’t going to change.
Jogging along one of the small roads on Hegg, Reinette was leading Donna, who looked rather puffed. Running wasn’t high on Donna’s list of favourite past times, but it was her job to follow Reinette, and that included on her morning run.
As Reinette rounded the corner to the top of a small hill, she realised Donna had fallen behind. She paused to offer Donna encouragement, “Come Donna, you are doing very well!”
While she waited for Donna to catch up, Reinette stretched and admired the view she had of the island. She could see the small chapel that would host her wedding in just a few hours. She was looking forward to that moment. Though, was that a monk looking in the windows? She stopped her stretching to raise her binoculars and check.
It was the Master she realised and choked back a sob, “Oh. No.”
A few minutes later Donna made it around the corner and up the hill, chanting, “Feel the burn, I can do this.”
But instead of seeing Reinette, Donna only saw her binoculars on the ground. ‘Oh, that can’t be good,’ she thought. She looked around before she shouted, “Reinette?”
Wondering what could have upset her so much that she’d run off, Donna picked up the binoculars and had a look through. She saw the chapel and noticed a man in a brown robe climbing a tree. The Master. Now she understood exactly why Reinette had run off.
This was not good. And she had to tell Jack. Donna wasn’t happy.
___________________________________________________________
Jack was frustrated as he asked, “When you say ‘kind of’ like missing?”
“She’s completely gone,” replied Donna, looking rather nervous. She was with Jack and Reinette’s two beauticians in the kitchen of the castle, discussing what had happened.
All Jack could do was sigh. This was not a good start to the day. He asked, “Okay, so Reinette saw the Master. Do we think he saw her?”
Donna, feeling very unsure about who has seen what, said, “I don’t know. Though he’s disguised as a wizard, a brown wizard, and he’s in a tree, right next to the chapel.”
Running his hand over his face, Jack just wasn’t sure how to respond to the last part of that statement. So, ignoring it, he rhetorically asked, “How does he do this?”
“He’s amazing,” said Donna, enthusiastically before she saw Jack’s glare. She stopped smiling, though she would admit to herself she was impressed that that Master always knew.
Jack started pacing, trying to think of a solution to this problem. In all the years he’s worked for Reinette, he’d learnt that some days his job was just exhausting. Thankfully, his experience conning people paid off. He had a great idea. “Okay! He’s in a tree; he wants a photo of the happy couple. Let’s give him one. We go through with the wedding, exactly as planned. But with a stand-in! The Master is convinced it’s the real wedding, has his photo, and leaves. Then we find Reinette, get her to the chapel and do it all over again, this time for real!” Jack said, taking a moment to breathe.“You are amazing, also,” said Donna, smiling and feeling proud, before adding, “I’ll go and tell the Doctor.”
Jack raised his hand before stating, “Don’t tell that Googling leech anything! If he finds out that Reinette is missing, he’ll go looking for her. And the last thing we need is that m…”
He cut himself off as the Doctor poked his head around the door and said, “Oh, you’re in here! Small thing, I’m going to do my own hair this time ‘cause you always do it wrong.”
The beauticians nodded and the tall one said, “Fine.”
The Doctor glanced around the room to see Jack as he tried to look relaxed and Donna who was acting like nothing was wrong. He’d question their behaviour, but he couldn’t think what could possibly be wrong on the day of the wedding.
He squashed the brief internal panic that thought conjured up and instead asked, “Everything alright?”
Everyone plastered a smile on their face as Jack nodded slightly and said, “Yeah.”
“Yay,” added Donna. “Good luck!”
The Doctor continued to smile as he backed out of the doorway and left.
Donna, not quite understanding, turned to Jack and whispered, “But if he doesn’t know Reinette is missing, how is that going to work?”
“He has to think it’s for real. We need a decoy bride,” Jack said, then glanced at the women in the room. “None of you are right, too tall, too black.”
Before he could say what was wrong with Donna she said, “I could do it!”
Jack looked at her and sighed. “Don’t be stupid! The Master knows you and needs to see you with the Doctor. I need someone who can walk twenty feet without falling over.”
Jack paused for a moment to think, trying to think of someone when he remembered Rose; he asked, “Who was that boring girl?”
___________________________________________________________
“But I don’t look anything like Reinette Poisson,” said Rose, looking rather confused. They wanted her to pretend to be the most recognisable woman in the world?
“That’s true, but neither does she ‘til these ladies get their hands on her,” said Jack, motioning to the makeup artists behind him, who waved at Rose. “And we all think you’re full of potential.”
Rose didn’t believe him for a second, even if he was called an agent, she knew a conman when she saw one. “No. Sorry.”
Jack decided to bring out the bargaining chip, as everyone had a price. “Two hundred pounds.”
“I’m really not interested, I’m off weddings,” replied Rose. She didn’t want to do this and she wasn’t going to be bought.
“Five hundred pounds,” Jack offered, then shrugged before continuing, “It’s not a real wedding.”
Rose rolled her eyes and asked, “Are they ever? I nearly bought a wedding dress once. Cost the same as a small car.”
Jack swallowed; some people were costly. He hoped this last offer would work. “Five. Thousand. Pounds.”
“Has somebody on the island told you I’m a prostitute? Look, I’m really not interested and my Mum will be back in a while and I said I cook her some lunch,“ said Rose with a small smile, tempted by the offer, but more amused by how desperate Jack seemed.
“One hour of improvisation, no scenes of a sexual nature. Five thousand pounds!” Jack said, not ready to believe someone would turn down that much money. One of the reasons Jack was so good at his job was that he could find what people wanted. Or more specifically, make them do what he wanted them to. In the case of Rose, he realised exactly what it was. “You could do something really nice for your poor, sick mother,” he delivered, knowing he had his bargaining chip.
Rose sighed softly; she’d do it. For her mum, she’d do it.
___________________________________________________________
Of course, Rose wasn’t entirely sure the five thousand pounds was worth it when only minutes later she was looking at what appeared to be two strange screwdrivers, making a whirring noise and heading straight for her face.
“What the hell are they?” she asked.
“I’m going to temporarily immobilise your nasolabial folds,” came the reply from the tall beautician.
Rose looked to Jack who just nodded and half smiled. He had to admit, this was one of the more amusing things to see. And hear. Apparently she was not enjoying the beauty treatment at all. She looked like she could use it though. As it was, she’d blend into a crowd and be forgotten. He took another bite out of his apple and continued to supervise.
Everything was fine until Rose noticed one of the women pouring toilet cleaner into a bowl and had to ask, “What’re you doing?”
“It’s just like bleach really! It’ll make your hair lighter,” she was told.
“No way! She is not putting toilet cleaner in my hair!” said Rose.
“Don’t be a diva,” Jack said.
When he realised there was no way Rose was going to agree to toilet cleaner he sent the woman to the laundry to find some bleach. He needed her blond. He could cover her hair, but if any was seen, the whole thing would be ruined. Rose agreed, but made a note to get some dye later and get rid of the blond.
She was distracted from her suddenly rather blond hair a short time later as she stood there in Reinette’s wedding dress and glanced down at her cleavage. Or more, the place where her cleavage was meant to be. Apparently Reinette was rather more endowed than Rose in the chest area.
Rose smiled bashfully. “Sorry."
“Hopeless,” Jack said to the taller woman.
He turned around and grabbed something, two pieces of fruit which he held up to Rose’s chest. Maybe not. Luckily the tall woman had an idea and starting pulling handfuls of tissues out of her bag then proceeded to stuff them down the front of the dress, to Rose’s deep embarrassment. She knew she wasn’t large, but this was like being back in puberty.
___________________________________________________________
Over at the chapel the Master was watching as a car arrived, carrying Donna and the Doctor. He came to the conclusion that no one knew he was there. From his perch in the tree, he smirked.
___________________________________________________________
Rose looked at herself in Jackie’s full length mirror. She couldn’t believe how she looked. Maybe she’d never be able to compete with Reinette Poisson, but right now she though she looked pretty good. She might even keep the blond when this was all over.
Sadly, Rose’s good feeling didn’t last when Jack popped up behind her and made a disappointed sounding, “Oh…”
Jack would admit that Rose wasn’t the worst looking woman in the world, but next to Reinette she’d be lost in the background. He flipped the veil up and over, but was worried when he could still see through it. He needed the wedding to happen before the Doctor realised that the bride wasn’t Reinette.
Finding some thin filmy material on the windows, he ripped it off the window, added it to the veil, and said, “Just to make extra sure.”
___________________________________________________________
“You’re an Oscar nominee, you ooze confidence, you define poise. You’re the face that launched a thousand campaigns. And your latest thing is quoting Gertrude Stein. At length and from memory,” lectured Jack to a bewildered Rose.
They were in the car, headed to the chapel. Jack was attempting to prepare Rose to pass for Reinette at least long enough to fool the Master.
Over the radio Jack was holding, Donna’s voice broke the silence, “Okay Jack, we’re in. He’s not inside, but it’s safer to assume the place is bugged. Over. And out.”
Jack sighed, not holding his breath, and asked Rose, “Can you do a French accent?”
___________________________________________________________
In his tree overlooking the chapel, the Master put in his earphone, he’d be able to hear everything. Even if he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to hear the wedding.
___________________________________________________________
The Doctor was pacing nervously in front of the altar. He was excited and happy to be marrying Reinette, he was. That didn’t stop him being extremely nervous about the whole thing. Donna walked past him, headed to the door of church. Apparently it was time. He looked over his shoulder and turned to face his bride.
She looked beautiful.
But the Doctor was concerned when she didn’t seem to be able to walk straight and almost fell over the nearby pew. Wondering if she was drunk, and if so why, he watched her wobble down the aisle, growing more confused the closer she got. Reinette was usually much more graceful and composed.
The Doctor grabbed her as she almost fell over at the altar and asked, “You okay?”
Nervously, Rose sort of giggled and nodded a reply as she balanced herself. Jack smirked in the background; he might even pull this off.
The priest was slightly concerned about the state of the bride, but smiled and, as reassuringly as possible, said, “Hi.”
As the priest began the ceremony, Jack watched over the Doctor and ‘Reinette’ and prayed that no one picked up on his decoy until this was over.
“Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her?” said the priest.
Donna, trying to be inconspicuous, was searching the church for the Master’s bug.
“And forsaking all others, be faithful to her for as long as you both shall live?”
___________________________________________________________
“Yes,” said the Master, listening to the ceremony.
He was staring at the photographs he had taken of Reinette at her previous attempt at a wedding. The Master couldn’t help but think she had looked truly radiant that day.
“I will. I will?” he asked himself. Oh, that was a revelation he could have done without.
___________________________________________________________
“I, John Smith, take you Reinette Poisson to be my wife. For richer, for poorer,” said the Doctor, and had he turned around he would have noticed Jack roll his eyes at that, “In sickness and in health.”
SMACK!
Donna used her shoe to crush the Master’s bug, startling everyone in and outside the church.
The Doctor gathered himself, a little confused but ready to be married, and continued, “To love and cherish until death us do part. In the presence of God, I take this vow.”
The priest smiled at the Doctor and turned to ‘Reinette’.
Rose swallowed and tried to create a credible French accent as she recited, “I, Raynet Poyson, take you John Smith to be my hus-band.”
Jack swallowed as he realised there was no way the Doctor was going to believe this for much longer. How did he end up in these situations? The Doctor glanced at Jack, worried before he watched ‘Reinette’ as she continued.
“To have and to hold, from this day forward. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,” said Rose, panicked as she listened to her poor accent, wondering why she had agreed to this, and rushed to finish, “Sickness, health, love-cherish-death-presence of God, I take this vow.”
The priest forced a smile and asked, “Who has the rings?”
Jack stepped over to the Doctor, who had to ask, “Jack, what the hell is going?”
“Just play along and I’ll explain it to you later,” Jack replied to him, before asking the priest, “The ring text is optional, right?”
Confused, the priest nodded as Jack backed away before he stated, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Flipping up the veil, angry at being fooled at his wedding, the Doctor asked, “Who is this?”
“Theo Theodore?” asked Rose, as the veil was lifted, surprised to see the man she’d met yesterday.
Seeing blond instead of the brown, the Doctor was even more shocked to realise that it was. “Toilet girl?”
___________________________________________________________
“We had to buy time to look for Reinette,” said Jack.
They’d arrived back at the castle and the Doctor was pestering Jack about what the hell had happened. He went into the church expecting to marry Reinette, not some random blond, though he did have a brief thought that she had brown hair when he met her. And possibly a name he’d remember later.
Managing to sound marginally less angry than he actually felt the Doctor asked, “Who’s we? Who is looking for her?”
“The gang!” replied Jack, trying to lose the Doctor.
“You mean the gang of beauticians? Are you mad?” the Doctor, as he and Jack stalked into the castle, said, “How long has she been missing? She could have fallen off a cliff. And do you really think the Master is going to believe this toilet attendant is my wife?”
Rose, getting offended, said, “I am not a toilet attendant!”
Donna rushed past her, following Jack and the Doctor. Rose wasn’t sure how she felt about being completely ignored, but accepted it really wasn’t about her. Though, she’d like to get out of this dress, away from the people who seemed to enjoy making her feel worthless and go home.
As the Doctor stomped up the stairs beside Jack he couldn’t help but worry about Reinette. He knew she could look after herself, but still. “She has been hunted by the press since she was fifteen! So yeah, that makes her a bit jumpy! And what have you done? Lost her on a small island with the one paparazzo she hates most!”
Having just walked into the hall, Rose stared at it, having a difficult time reconciling what she was seeing with how it normally looked. In a small voice, not expecting anyone to hear, she asked, “How? When did they do all this?”
Jack and the Doctor reached the top of the stairs and continued stalking through the castle, as Jack said, “This is my job! To protect Reinette’s career!”
“No, career, no no. She’s retiring!” the Doctor said, quite sure of that fact.
“Hah! FYI, there’s only you and her that think that!” stated Jack, amazed anyone believed that.
While Jack and the Doctor continued this discussion, Donna glanced out the window and stopped. Oh, she thought, that’s just wizard…
“Jack!” she yelled. “JACK!”
Jack, walking towards her, asked, “What?”
Still staring outside, she questioned, “Is that the press?”
Outside, charging up the lawn was a herd of press; photographers, cameramen, reporters and the associated rabble. There must be hundreds, Donna thought.
“Oh, gawd! How the hell did this happen?” asked a very frustrated Jack.
Rose finally caught up with Jack and, unaware of the crisis but desperate to leave, asked, “Can I please have my clothes? And my cheque? My mum’s expecting me.”
She was completely ignored.
“I’m going to find her,” the Doctor told Jack. After seeing the huge press contingent, he was even more worried about what she might be going through and where she might have gone to hide.
Jack waved him off. “No, no. The last thing we need is you charging around attracting unwanted attention!”
The Doctor, anger building, said, “Reinette is missing! There could be wolves!”
Rose rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath ‘wolves’. These people had no idea about Hegg.
“You are absolutely right. I wasn’t thinking straight. Of course! Of course, if anyone can find her it’s you!” replied Jack, sounding conciliatory. “This way, both of you.”
He manoeuvred them towards a large room in the corner, Jack said, “This way, it’s a back way out.”
As soon as both the Doctor and Rose were in the room, Jack slammed the door behind them and locked it. He needed some time to think, come up with a way to sort this mess out, and he couldn’t do that with them fighting for his attention.
“An hour, you said!” Rose yelled through the door.
Jack just leaned over the balustrade and said, “Yeah well, I’m full of shit! My last colonic took a week.”
___________________________________________________________
“There must be a way out,” said the Doctor, stomping around the room he and Rose had been herded into and looking for a way out. This was not how his day was meant to go.
Rose, taking the veil off as she walked further into the room, was annoyed that this man was so inconsiderate and pointed out, “I am not a toilet attendant! And I did tell you my name.”
“Of course! If I could remember your name, we could find a way out of here,” replied the Doctor, sarcastically, thinking he had no time for some random woman when he needed to find Reinette.
“Sorry,” said Rose, getting more annoyed by the second, “it’s cruel to give the servants names, isn’t it? Don’t want to get too attached to them.”
Not wanting to admit that Rose may have a point about names, the Doctor stopped moving for a moment and said, “Astonishing! Give you a good wash and a white dress and suddenly everything is about you. This is not your big day, Rose!”
Rose, slightly taken aback, but not to be put off said, “Nor yours, apparently.” She watched as the Doctor turned around, past the branch that was acting as a tree for the rather terrifying fake birds and struggled to control her laughter. “You’re having an ‘Ornithologist’s Wife’ themed wedding?” she asked in disbelief. Really, she thought, a wedding based on your own book? Why would anyone do that, especially if their book happened to be that one?
“And if we are?” the Doctor asked, as he brushed the tail feathers of a fake bird out of his face.
Rose, less than impressed, said, “I s’pose it could be worse. I could be trapped inside Stephen King’s honeymoon, though apparently he’s a nice guy!”
The Doctor was feeling more than a little picked on; he decided to try and make Rose feel uncomfortable and asked, “How much are you getting paid for this, in hillbilly money?”
Rose angrily replied, “Not nearly enough!”
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YOU POSTED IT!!!
And it's every bit as good as I told you it was. or better.
like silver said, you do such a good job of the emotions and internal thoughts! :)
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Thanks. I hope you like the rest!
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Thanks KK, I'm sooo glad you're enjoying it!
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I could totally see Jack in his diva moment when they find out Reinette is missing and, setting the movie aside, the Doctor and Rose would SO get tricked into being locked up. Hee.
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