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If you can't guess with that title, we're talking some serious crack....

Featuring: Ten, Donna Noble, Steven Moffat
Summary: Set around the time Moffat was writing SitL/FotD. Ten gets dragged off course by a serious threat!
A/N: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] kahki for running a quick eye over this for mistakes made when sleep deprived and possibly less than sober.


Steven sat at his computer typing away, preparing for his next episode of Doctor Who. Russell has let him have free reign and he's planning something huge! Something that will set up his ideas for the show when he takes over in the near future.

A new romance, River Song, for the Doctor, she'll even know his name!

Rose who? His characters were going to be better than Russell's! No one would remember Rose, or Martha, or Donna when he was through!

Though.... What was that noise? He wasn't at the set so why could he hear the TARDIS noises?

And why did it sound like the TARDIS was setting down behind him? In his office. Steven grabbed the arm rests on his chair and slowly turned around. His jaw dropped.

"What the hell?!" he shouted.

He stared, confused as the door opened and David stepped out. In full Doctor costume, from the spiky hair to battered converse.

"Blimey," he said, Estuary accent in place, "where'd I land this time?"

Steven stared at David and then glared, "Is this some kind of prank David? Is the camera crew about to appear?"

Confused, the Doctor looked at the smug looking man in front of him and wondered if he was OK. Camera crew, prank? What was this guy on about? Maybe he was the reason he'd been dragged so far off course.

"Hello! My name's the Doctor! The TARDIS was telling me there was a mauve alert here, you haven't seen anything odd have you?" the Doctor asked as he started scanning the room with his sonic screwdriver.

"You mean besides you showing up here with the TARDIS model and in costume. And the accent."

"Model? Ok, I have no idea what you're on about but I need you to step away from the computer," the Doctor said. "The problem with the Timeline seems to stem straight from it."

Steven glared at him. "David, that's enough! You know I need to have these episodes written soon. I think they might be my best yet!"

The Doctor looked at Steven like he was crazy. Why did this person keep calling him David and what was this talk of episodes. He decided to speak very slowly, "My name is. The Doctor. And the computer behind you is bad. With a capital BAD. It is going to cause a serious mess with the Timelines. I need to stop it."

As the Doctor spoke he moved forward until he could grab the office chair and pushed it towards the TARDIS doors. He shouted, "Donna! I need your help out here!"

The chair, still holding Steven, connected with the corner of the TARDIS, the momentum causing his upper body to fling towards it, much like stopping a car too fast. Only there was no belt to stop him and his head smacked into the TARDIS wall.

Before he even had a chance to move, he saw Catherine stalk out of the door in shorts, a casual top and thongs. She looked decidedly unimpressed as she said, "Oi, stop your shouting Space Man, where's the beach you promised me?"

The Doctor was struggling to say anything as he read the file that was open on the computer. Without looking around he said, "Just make sure he stays there and I'll explain in a minute. Actually, if you can find something to tie him to the chair with, that would be good."

"What?" Steven sputtered and tried to stand but found himself held in place by David's stare (had he always been able to look that alien?) and the sonic, though he'd deny that. He knew it was just a prop. "That episode is going to be the next 'Girl in the Fireplace'!"

The Doctor watched as Donna dragged some rope out of the TARDIS and tied the man to the chair. When he was sure the man couldn't move he started with the questions.

"'Girl in the Fireplace'? What are you on about? Whatever reason you've written this," the Doctor gestured at the terrifying words on the monitor, "it's causing some serious problems. 1, it's about to cause 99.989% of all possible Timelines to collapse. B. Every time I see the name River Song I want to hide. 3. Do you really think Donna would be happy shoved into that life?"

There was no chance for the Doctor to continue or Steven to say anything before Donna interrupted, "What kind of life?"

The Doctor replied, "He's stuck you in some kind of virtual reality with a husband and kids. And no actual life."

Donna turned to the idiot tied in the chair and stalked up to him. "You did WHAT? I have plans for my life!"

"But every woman wants to be a wife and moth...."

A loud 'CRACK' was heard around the room as Steven's head snapped to the side under the force of Donna's smack. "Not everyone wants to be married and have kids! And certainly not soon."

Looking at the smug grin on the Doctor's face Donna said, "Ok Alien Boy, continue what you were saying."

The Doctor smiled at his companion and picked up where he left off. "D, You expect me to flirt with some woman I've never met, who sounds more like she'd kill me than care about me, when I'M STILL MOURNING ROSE?"

"But River is much more suitable for you!" said Steven. "She's brave and resourceful. And she has a gun! She's very strong! Rose was an annoying, clingy child!"

Realising he was acting as if David really was the Doctor, Steven stopped short and said, "David, stop this. I don't know what the joke was but Catherine," Donna raised an eyebrow and shrugged, "really hit me. I think I might need some ice!"

With the Storm brewing in his eyes, something that caused Steven to swallow and sweat, the Doctor stalked towards his chair as he said in a tight voice, "Rose is brave and resourceful. She doesn't need a gun to show her strength. She was never 'clingy', she was special."

The Doctor leant down, placing a hand on each armrest leaving his face just inches from Steven's. "AND I WOULD NEVER FLIRT WITH SOMEONE AS OBNOXIOUS AS THIS RIVER PERSON!"

"But you flirted with Rose and she was a..." Steven's head flew back as the Doctor's fist connected with his jaw.

"You. Are. NOT. TO. TALK. ABOUT. ROSE. LIKE. THAT!" shouted the Doctor.

"Could have warned you that saying something about Rose wouldn't end well," Donna snickered behind him. She muttered "I hope to meet her one day, should be interesting to see him really happy."

With a slight shake of his head, and crack of his jaw, Steven looked at the man and asked, "Doctor?"

"Yes. I am the Doctor. And whatever that," he gestured at the computer, "is, it needs to be destroyed. And you need to be stopped. I have no idea what would happen if we left you to continue, but I don't want to know."

He turned from the man in the chair, unable to look at him any longer and flicked through the settings on the sonic until he found the one he needed. The Doctor grabbed Donna and moved into the doorway of the TARDIS.

Storm still in his eyes, the Doctor turned the chair until he could look straight at the man again and said, in a voice full of threat, "Don't make me come back here."

Aiming the sonic at the computer that had caused the mauve alert, the Doctor smirked and said, "Hey Donna, this should be quite the sight!" He activated the sonic and the computer seemed to expand for a moment before it exploded and pieces of it flew everywhere.

------------------

Jolting upright in his bed, Steven Moffat shook his head. That had been a hell of a dream. It had even left an impression in his waking state. His jaw was throbbing and his cheek felt like he'd be slapped. While he knew it was just a dream, Steven felt a need to check on his computer and latest Doctor Who episodes. They needed to be done soon.

Walking towards his office, he passed a mirror and did a double take. One side of his jaw was swollen, what had he done in his sleep he wondered.

All thoughts left his mind as he reached the door to his office to see it was buckled outwards. It was just a dream right?

Steven took a deep breath and opened his office door. His jaw dropped.

First thing in the morning he called Russell and told him he had to quit. For health reasons, you understand.

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